Pride Is Patriotism - Fight the Good Fight
What 10 Years of Marriage Equality Teaches Us About America
Last week marked ten years since the Supreme Court case Obergefell v. Hodges made marriage equality the law of the land. When the White House lit up in rainbow colors, it felt like the country had turned a page.
The last ten years brought the most transformational social and political change of the 21st century.
From Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell to the Rainbow Wave
When I first served in the U.S. Army, the policy was simple and cruel: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. You could wear the uniform. You could fight and die for your country. But you couldn’t tell the truth about who you were. I saw the damage firsthand. Brilliant & tough soldiers—more than 13,000 of them—were forced out. In Baghdad, Iraq, in 138-degree heat, we didn’t have enough Arabic speakers because we threw some of them out for being gay.
As a straight combat vet who went on to serve in Congress, I wasn’t going to play it safe. I wasn’t going to look the other way while this injustice continued—not even after winning my race by just 0.6%, as only the third Democrat ever elected to represent Bucks County’s First Congressional District.
I’ll never forget the heartbreaking letter I received from a distraught company commander stationed in Kabul, Afghanistan. He told me that he was sitting there at 3 a.m., in his barracks with a 9mm in his hand, losing hope as he was contemplating suicide. Not because of the Taliban. Not because of combat stress. But because he was gay. And under Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, he couldn’t turn to his commander, his battle buddies, or even the chaplain—for fear he’d be discharged.
“The reason I’m not going to take my life, he wrote, “is because I know there’s an Iraq War veteran named Patrick Murphy fighting for me. Please, sir. Keep fighting. We’re counting on you.”
By the time I came to Congress, I knew this couldn’t stand. That’s why I wrote the bill that overturned Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. In 2009, I launched the national “Voices of Honor” tour alongside gay, lesbian, and straight service members. We traveled the country sharing their stories, making the case that “we cannot afford to wait any longer.” Our military was stretched thin in Iraq and Afghanistan, and yet we were still kicking out qualified, courageous people simply because of who they loved. I literally talked to every member of Congress—both Democrat and Republican—about repealing this wrong.
When I introduced the bill to repeal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, it was the first major piece of LGBTQ civil rights legislation ever written by a veteran of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.
And the resistance was real. More than 1,000 retired military officers signed a letter urging President Obama to keep the status quo. Some of them got in my face in private settings; many actively worked for my opponent.
They insisted—falsely—that repeal would break the all-volunteer force. Others in the Pentagon warned that changing the policy mid-war would hurt morale. I incredulously asked them, why, if our toughest military allies like the UK, Australia, and Israel allowed their military personnel to serve openly without any issue, then why did they think our US troops weren’t as professional as our allies?
Even Colin Powell, who had once helped introduce Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell in the 90s, acknowledged by 2009 that “a lot has changed” and the policy was overdue for repeal. Our then Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, Mike Mullen, spoke out in favor of the repeal, calling it an integrity issue. He was right.
In 2010, Congress answered. The Murphy Amendment passed in the House, then the Senate, and we finally repealed Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. President Obama signed it into law. We even got over a dozen Republicans to vote for repeal.
It remains one of the proudest moments of my life. Because patriotism isn’t about maintaining unjust traditions. It’s about having the courage to make this country better, not just for some of us, but for all of us.
A decade later, look around.
LGBTQ Americans serve openly in every branch of the military. (Though transgender servicemembers face challenges from the current administration)
Today, there’s members of Congress, military generals, titans in business like the CEO of Apple, and countless others who excel because of the content of their character, their drive & performance. They just happen to be gay. And now, as a society, they can legally serve openly in their respective fields without having to hide who they are.
Pride flags fly from U.S. embassies, military bases, and statehouses across the country.
Progress that once felt impossible is now, quite literally, flying over the institutions of American power. It’s about having pride in our country, that while still imperfect, strives to create a “more perfect union” as written in our Constitution—the blueprint of our democracy.
When I served in the Obama administration, I worked alongside Eric Fanning, who became the first openly gay Secretary of the Army. His leadership was powerful, not because of his identity, but because of his integrity. (By the way, we hit recruitment goals then that we haven’t hit since.)
Eric’s role in Army leadership stands in direct contrast to stories like Alan Turing, a British war hero who helped defeat the Nazis only to be chemically castrated by his own government for being gay. Absolutely heartbreaking.
But progress has a pattern in this country: it never goes unchallenged.
Two steps forward, one step back
Just days ago, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced that the U.S. Navy was stripping Harvey Milk’s name off a naval ship. The USNS Harvey Milk was a fleet replenishment ship, christened in 2021, the first Navy vessel ever named after an openly gay person.
Hegseth, citing a desire to “take the politics out of ship naming,” announced that the ship would be renamed after Oscar V. Peterson, a Medal of Honor recipient from World War II. And just to add insult to injury, the announcement came during Pride Month.
It should be further noted that Milk wasn’t just a gay rights icon. He was a distinguished Navy veteran who served during the Korean War as a diving instructor and on a submarine rescue ship until the military discovered he was gay and forced him out with an “other than honorable” discharge. After being thrown out of the Navy, he served with distinction as California’s first openly gay elected official until he was assasinated in 1978.
In 2009, President Obama posthumously awarded Milk the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Naming a ship after him was part of that overdue recognition.
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In retrospect, when the marriage equality decision in Obergefell ruling came in, declaring “love is love,” we didn’t know what was around the corner. I wrote an amicus curiae brief in that Supreme Court case with other military leaders. We won, and that historic ruling ironically came 10 days after Donald Trump descended that escalator and announced his campaign for president. Little did we know that, in hindsight, it was like one era closed as another was waiting in the wings.
And yet, despite it all, America remains a country capable of changing and righting wrongs
Even with the fear of the Supreme Court’s super conservative majority, we got decisions like Bostock v. Clayton County (2020), which finally ensured workplace protections for LGBTQ people in all 50 states. (I know, many were surprised you could still be fired in half the country for being gay in 2020). We had a high school teacher here in Bucks County, PA, fired only because he was gay; literally for no other reason.
In this landmark Supreme Court decision, Justice Neil Gorsuch, a Trump appointee, wrote the majority opinion. The ruling said that Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, which bans employment discrimination “because of sex,” also protects employees from discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity.
The ruling was 6–3, and Gorsuch’s opinion was incredibly straightforward. He wrote:
An employer who fires an individual merely for being gay or transgender defies the law.
The fight for equality didn’t end with Obergefell. It didn’t end with the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. It didn’t end with Bostock. And it won’t end just because a few more rainbow flags fly from embassies or bases or Capitol Hill.
Because if the past ten years have taught us anything, it’s that every step toward freedom will be met with a push to turn back.
But here’s the thing about America, we don’t go back.
We move forward. Sometimes imperfectly. Sometimes painfully. But forward nonetheless.
Pride is patriotism for all Americans, LGBTQ people and allies alike - and the most American thing any of us can do is to make sure this country lives up to its own promise of freedom and justice for all. It’s time for all of us to continue fighting the good fight.
— Patrick
The Honorable Patrick J. Murphy is a Wharton lecturer, Vetrepreneur, and the 32nd Army Under Secretary after earning the Bronze Star for service in Baghdad, Iraq as an All-American with the 82nd Airborne Division—@PatrickMurphyPA on Instagram and Twitter.
Do not vote for Trumps big bill. It’s a big bill that will destroy services for most Americans and give more tax breaks and privileges to wealthy billionaires. Already our democracy is at risk due to this administration’s policies. Please have courage for us…. Middle class Americans.
One thing was we had same sex marriage available before 2015 it just wasn't nationwide. You could marry in one state then move to another where that marriage wasn't respected I know that personally. But just like the Berlin Wall fell 1989, interracial marriage became a right, 1967, Same sex marriage made things better for the country and its people.